Blended family

ENFP -Why it’s fun/terrible being one

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One thing my boss learned about me in my final weeks at my job is that I’m a tightly-wound ball of loose, fun, colorful, frazzled yarn.  Or maybe I’m a loosely-braided ball of really hard, tough wire.  I don’t know…Who knows?!?!  She looked at me with great sympathy and said, “It must be really stressful being you – you’re a walking contradiction of OCD and ADD.”

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I was known as the free-spirit, the hippy, the rule-breaker, the “what box?” person in our office of 16.  So it seemed strange to her when I melted down in my office and busted out with the admission that my house was in disarray because of the reno, my treadmill was out of commission, and it made me feel like my whole life was falling apart.  Okay now that does sound dramatic.  However, I thrive on structure and schedules and to-do lists, yet I operate in un-structured spontaneous irreverent ways.  I finally realized that the lists and order are coping mechanisms I’ve developed to survive in the real world.

This got me thinking…Is there any part of me that is wholly and completely any one certain way?  (These things are probably not unique to ENFPs, and certainly not unique to me…just a little self-realization at 40, that’s all.)

Political views:  With regards to taxes, government-involvement, economic policy, domestic and global protection…completely Republican.  With regards to personal decisions …completely Democrat.  I realize this pretty much makes me a Libertarian, which pretty much makes me screwed.

Religious views:  My dad, grandfather, and uncle are/were Southern Baptist ministers.  I was raised in the church and am so thankful for it.  I like believing in the things the Bible teaches.  I like the way I feel/am/behave when I leave church.  I think a lot of the world’s problems would be solved if more people knew and followed Jesus.  I don’t believe everyone else has got it all wrong and are doomed to hell.  I don’t believe science had no part in this.  I don’t believe we should look any differently at people who don’t believe like we do.  I don’t believe what Christianity is taught to be, in most cases, was what was intended. And even if I’m still afraid to be so brash as to claim that any parts of the Bible are wrong, humans are.  All the time.  And we’re the ones trying to read/teach/impose it.  Language and metaphors and translations and interpretations are real actual things.  Jenn Hatmaker says it best in her book, For the Love…”If it isn’t also true for a poor, single Christian mom in Haiti, it isn’t true.”  Fact check, mic drop.

Career:  I need someone to tell me exactly what to do, and then I want to do it completely differently and them not get mad.  Good thing I’m going to be a teacher again.

Homosexuality:  If you’re going to use the Bible for reference to claim something as a sin, you have to use the same Bible as your reference that God created everyone in His image.  Never met a gay person who was faking it.  Never met a gay person who hadn’t tried to be straight.  I have lots of friends who are gay.  Some of them are the very best at showing God’s love – why should I care who they show it to?

Gun control:  Guns should be controlled, but if I want one, please sell me one.  I don’t care about privacy when it comes to this topic.  I believe in lots of regulations here.  But I think the sudden surge in taboo-izing guns is part of the problem.  I want to be the one to decide who gets to buy guns and who doesn’t.  I think that might help.

Marriage/Family/Divorce:  Going to have to make this one a separate post.  Stay tuned.

Parenting:  I want to give them tons of structure, bedtimes, schedules, rules to follow, expectations to meet, with tons of independence, freedom, and self-expression.

Media:  I hate the media.  100% completely.  There!!!…I found something without a “but”.

**The Myers-Briggs Personality test categorizes ENFPs (Extraversion, Intuition, Feeling, Perception…also known as Campaigners, Champions, Idealists) as constantly contradicting themselves because they genuinely see multiple sides to most situations.  Sorry not sorry.

Wah, wah, wah. (ABC Challenge)

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I just deleted the whole post I had started (and almost finished) here because of how whiny it sounded when I reread it just now.  I’ve been crying a lot.  That’s it.  Don’t know why (maybe job-change, house in boxes for upcoming reno, band seemingly slowly dismantling, treadmill isn’t working, watching Call the Midwife, allergies, lack of sleep, being 40, maybe.)

In the meantime I blamed everything else imaginable.  I know it’s not my husband’s fault, or lacrosse’s, or his band’s, or anything else I accused.  But I can’t really fix any of the likely culprits.  So I’m going to stop whining.  (I might not be able to stop crying, but I can stop whining.)

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That’s it.  Short post.  If I keep going it’s going to turn into whining.  (And probably crying.) 

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Updates (ABC Challenge)

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The A-Z Challenge was over for most people yesterday…I’m a little behind, but I thought I’d take this opportunity to evaluate progress in the areas I’ve been challenging myself.

A- Acceptance:  Took the A-Z Challenge…still with it.  Took the new job…still excited!

B – Boys:  I’ve stopped trying to understand boys.  Boys and girls are not meant to understand each other.  I am still trying to educate my boys (the little ones) about girls and mostly how to navigate the differences and not piss off the ones you like.

C – Confidence:  Meh.  Wearing a short-sleeved shirt today – does that count?

D – Diet:  Bummed about this one.  Stopped most carbs and alcohol, started Insanity and Workweek Hustle with my FitBit (getting in no less than 10,000 steps a day)…Not a pound lost.  Depressed and discouraged, I rage-ate pizza and wings a few times.  Even besides that, probably not doing too well with this one – and DEFinitely not doing as well as I know how to (as my skinny gynecologist pointed out when I expressed concern about recent weight gain.  Bitch.  Jk, I like her.)

E – Expectations:  I’m realizing that my internal clock ticks really fast…that’s helped some.  I’ve also had a conversation with my hott husband that might have given me more insight than before on how his brain works and why some things don’t happen the way I expect them to.  Besides, I would hate it if I knew what went on in my head went on in his too.

F – Facebook:  This one took for a while, but then I found myself stoplight-scrolling uncontrollably.  Today, I’m going to make the conscious effort once again to not look unless I have something I specifically want to find.

G – Grout:  Picked it…going with the one that’s the most like taking me on a date…cheap and easy 😉

H – Husbands:  Great success in loving without fear.  It isn’t as hard of a task as I thought…and it feels so good.

I – Intoxication:  Went drink-free for 5 1/2 days.  Have had many nights without, a few nights with one (none while home alone), and a couple of nights with two.  Probably need to do a 5-day drought every few weeks.

J – Jeri:  Called her so she could keep rubbing off on me.  Need to do it again soon.

K – Keuka:  57 days on the countdown!

L – Learning:  Learned how to delete a row on an inserted table in Word today…so I’d say this one is a success 😉

M – Magazine Perfect:  I have forced myself to leave a few things out that are not bothering anyone.  I haven’t straightened the pillows on the boys’ playroom couch in over a week.

N – News:  This one has been great – not tempted at all.  And the couple of times that I’ve caught the news, it’s been glaringly obvious how terrible it is.  It’s like eating super-sweet desserts after you’ve given up sugar for a few weeks…bleh.

O – Over-analyzing/Obsessing/Over-observing:  Caught myself reading every license plate the other day and then spending way too much brain energy arguing with myself over what year model a particular car was, but otherwise pretty good, maybe?

P – Plans:  Kinda had a grip on this one, then had a long discussion with hott husband that made me shift my grip, if that makes sense.

Q – Quixotic:  Still me.  Still happy about it.

R – Reading:  Haven’t read in a few nights.  Might put down the pedagogy and pick up a YA novel that I’d want to recommend to my future students.

S – SCR (aka Hott Husband):  Love. Him. So. Much.

T – Testing and Treadmills:  Too soon.

U – Updates! – Done!

SCR (aka hott husband) (ABC Challenge)

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Today, on the 44th anniversary of my hot husband’s birth, I submit to you a small pictorial sampling of the things he does that make me smile.

The vast majority of these are from events related to music, sports, water, or motorcycle rides (several are even a combination of more than one) – things I enjoy the very most in the whole wide world.  Though I would still be the happiest girl in the world if we never did anything or went anywhere and had no money and no friends, I thank my lucky stars every day that I get to ride this ride with him…my dream guy.

I think he was put on this earth to do so many amazing things, and he blesses so many people with his gifts and his love and his passion.  But it’s a big enough task to thank him for what he does for little ‘ol me, so I’m sticking to that for this post…

Happy Birthday, My Love!…Thanks, People Makers! 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keuka (ABC Challenge)

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In 73 days, this family will make its annual pilgrimage back up to the holy land – known to others as Keuka Lake.

I hear all of the Finger Lakes are spectacular, but Keuka is the one where I’ve perched for two solid weeks of relaxation each of the past three years.  My hott husband has been there almost every summer of his life.  And last summer, it’s where we celebrated the 50th year of Maga’s Lake House and we were married on the dock in a perfect little gathering.

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His family home there is warm and welcoming, its hosts are laid back and gracefully hospitable, the lake is cool and clear, and the people are friendly.  But even if these things were not true, there’s something else extraordinary about this place…

They have a time-travel portal.

If you count their horses, the Amish might outnumber televisions, and they definitely outnumber air conditioners.  You might find some of what you need at the little grocery store, but you still need to stop at the butcher’s, the Amish market, and the fruit stand.  The summer days are long, the tables are large, and the windows are open.

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But here’s my favorite part of the time travel there:  kids get to be kids – without instructions or a plan or an itinerary or supervision, all day, all the while learning more than we could ever teach them.  Our kids and the neighbor’s kids run all day – All. Day. – up and down from the lake to the woods and around again.  They fish, build forts, make up games, swim, kayak, sail, paddle, run, run, run, did I mention they run?  everywhere?  When they’re hungry, they figure out how to eat while running.  When someone gets hurt, they clean each other’s wounds.  They celebrate the big catch together. They come up with creative things to make out of trash from the gully.  At dinner, plates get clean, stories get relived, brothers don’t fight, and a good hard sleep comes easy.  They strategize plans to most efficiently accomplish the assigned daily chores.  You can’t make this stuff up!  But they can.  And they do.  For four weeks straight.  They learn more there without adult supervision than in all the time and money we adults (collectively) try to “invest” in their development.  NOTHING is as important at their age as learning things for yourself.  That is hard to find in the suburbs, my friends.

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It seems like these days, if your kid turns out to be a self-sustaining adult, it almost has to be in spite of us, not because of us.  My father-in-law dropped this wisdom on us a couple of years ago – “Don’t handicap your kids by making their lives easy.”  But we do it every day.

My adult daughter is a walking reminder of this.  It is abundantly apparent what aspects of her life I kept out of and gave her independence, and which aspects I stunted her growth by  treating her like she couldn’t do it on her own (well, right, enough, etc.)

Challenge/Reminder:  I am going to stop doing for the kids what they can do for themselves.  Obviously, there are time constraints and bedtimes, but their ability-level is way higher than we give them credit for…and there’s a lot of things they should know how to do by this age, but they don’t – simply because we’ve never taught them.

So I might be the bad guy around here for a while, but in this whole step-parenting adventure, I’ve learned that my role is sometimes different than the parent – but just as important.

(Pretty sure it would be a big help if we do what we keep saying we’re going to do and cut off the cable…So many of these challenges are actually going to save us money – I’ve saved money on eating out, not drinking, not picking grout ((oops))…Feelin’ Pre-tee Good 🙂 )

 

 

Husbands (ABC Challenge)

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My soon-to-be new boss and I shared a few mom-to-mom moments at the conclusion of my interview a few weeks ago.  We found out we had both recently married the man of our dreams, both after raising kids and graduating them off to college, both gained young step-kids in the process – mine boys, which I had never done before, and hers a 12-year-old girl who they had permanent custody of, after she had raised only boys.

Early Friday morning, she got a call at work that I can’t even begin to imagine.  The 44-year-old love-of-her-life had a heart attack on the treadmill at his gym and died instantly.  Gone.  There are no words.  I can’t think straight when I try to describe how devastated (the English language is inadequate), completely world shattered, stopped, exploded, I don’t even know…can’t even finish the sentence.

How do you go on?  How do you even move your body from one spot?  My natural reaction to this was to cling to my husband.  I felt, in the depths of my soul, the fear of losing him and I began to program my brain and my actions based on this fear.  I realized that I was loving him even harder than ever, but it wasn’t fun.  It was emotionally draining.

I’ve only had a few long-term relationships in my life (that seems like it should be a given), but in the first two or three – beginning in high school – there were major issues with fidelity and truthfulness.  Since these were during my developmental years, I never learned what it’s like to trust – wholly, completely, without fear.  Even as much as I know, like KNOW know, that my husband loves me and is committed to me and would never hurt me, I also know we are humans and humans make mistakes, hence there is always something to fear.

I have been working on this for a while now – like intentionally and intelligently, and it’s definitely gotten better.  As time goes by, I have less “flare ups”.  In fact, I feel like I can truthfully say that I’m not afraid right now.  I have realized – finally, and due to the terrible news of a husband’s passing – that if it WERE to happen, it would have happened whether I was a blissfully oblivious wife or a paranoid untrusting one, and which way would I rather live?

With the news of my boss’s husband, I had to make myself make a quick U-turn from deciding to live like I might lose him tomorrow to living like we’ve got forever.  I want the same to be true with my trust.  I want to live this wonderful life with him and love him madly forever – but not from a place that’s founded in the very things I fear the most.  There’s too much fun to be had.  Challenge:  Cherish and treasure, but relax and enjoy or it was all in vain.

Boys (ABC Challenge)

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I’ve known a lot of boys in my life.  I’ve liked some, loved some, hated some, and been irritated by many.  But you don’t know boys until you’ve lived with some.

Not just one – not just your dad.  Dads are different – they can do all the boy things and you don’t notice because you’re a girl and it’s your world when you’re the kid.

I live in a house with three boys now, ages 10, 12, and 43.  They are not like girls.  And they have no interest in learning the ways of the girls.  The big one has at least known enough girls to be adaptable, and my goal is for the younger two to learn to do the same.

I’ve raised a girl – seemed much easier to me.  Critics will tell you otherwise, but they’re probably boys.

My goal as step-mom has evolved from wanting to be one of the boys to being one of the girls they get to learn about early.  I no longer feel bad asking them to do “boy” things, in fact I delight in it.  I no longer make apologies for wanting things to be clean, for curtains to be straightened out after rough-housing, for the certain reward for “hmmmm!s” and “ahhhhh!”s at the dinner table, and for the proper arrangement of throw pillows on every couch and bed in the house.

They will remember me when they meet girls that expect the same.  They may not remember me fondly, but they will not be shocked or dismayed by this behavior – and for that ONE day, they will be thankful.

Boys are great, and I love these with everything in me – the big one more than anyone I’ve loved in my entire life.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that you can’t make a boy into a girl, and you shouldn’t want to.